His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
