Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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