I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
