im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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