I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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