i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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