So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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