i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
