The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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