It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I'm really busy with my period
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