kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
