i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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