i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
