I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
