Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
