In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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