Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
