I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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