Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
