I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I cannot find my penis.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
