She is in my trunk
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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