I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
