All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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