Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
