you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
