best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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