If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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