I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
