I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
