remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
