I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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