i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
