is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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