hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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