So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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