He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
