she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize