Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
