i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
