I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
