You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
