Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
