Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
