Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
