well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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