you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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