my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
