i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Can Purell be used as lube?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize