I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
