I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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