I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
