It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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