Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
