I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
