i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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