Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
