My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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