on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize