We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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