I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
